Is It Permitted to Call One’s Older Brother or Grandfather by Their First Name, Even Though There Is an Obligation to Honor Them? A Proof from the Weekly Portion!

Is It Permitted to Call One’s Older Brother or Grandfather by Their First Name, Even Though There Is an Obligation to Honor Them? A Proof from the Weekly Portion!

Before us stands a fundamental question that seeks to define the sacred boundaries of relationships within the Jewish home—a question that moves the heart between the feeling of brotherly closeness and affection, on the one hand, and the obligation of elevation and respect, on the other. We are accustomed to standing with awe and honor before our father and mother, knowing that their names possess a sanctity that may not be uttered casually. But what about an older brother, the person who grew up with us in the same room, or a grandfather who pours warmth and love upon us? The Torah extended an obligation to honor them as well, but does that honor also carry a prohibition against calling them by their names? Are awe and reverence limited to the root of our lives—father and mother—or do they branch outward to other family members too?

In this clarification we will descend into the subtle distinction between “honor” and “reverence,” examine the positions of the great authorities from the Hida to Maran the Rishon LeZion, and seek the precise compass for our conduct within the family, looking toward the weekly portion that places reverence and holiness at the heart of our lives.

We approach the living waters of the sources in order to understand the root from which halakhah draws the duty of caution in mentioning a person’s name. In the weekly portion we find the absolute command: “Every person shall revere his mother and father, and My Sabbaths you shall keep; I am the Lord your God” (Leviticus 19:3). Torah does not content itself with the mitzvah of honor; it adds the duty of reverence, placing parents in a position of exaltation and majesty.

Maran Rabbi Yosef Karo rules in Shulhan Arukh (Yoreh De’ah 240:2): What is reverence? One does not stand in his father’s fixed place, does not sit in his place, does not contradict his words, does not rule decisively against him, and does not say his father’s name, whether during his lifetime or after his death. If his father has the same name as other people, he changes the way he refers to them.

From Maran’s words we learn a great principle. The prohibition against calling one’s father by his name is not part of “honor,” the positive mitzvah of serving and benefiting him—feeding him and giving him drink. Rather, it is part of “reverence.” Reverence is the proper distance, the recognition that there is a hierarchy and authority that does not permit direct use of the first name, which ordinarily expresses equality and excessive familiarity.

Here the great inquiry is born. We know from the Gemara (Ketubot 103a) that in the verse “Honor your father,” the word “et” comes to include one’s older brother; and we also find an obligation to honor one’s grandfather. But does this inclusion encompass the duty of reverence as well? Do the older brother and grandfather enter the category of “you shall revere,” which would require avoiding the mention of their names? Or were they included only in the obligation of “honor,” which allows direct address by first name?

We enter the halls of the great thinkers in order to understand the delicate and profound differences between the different levels within the Jewish family.

Rabbi Yosef Babad, in Minhat Hinukh (mitzvah 33), writes that since Scripture entrusted the details of honor to the Sages, with regard to father and mother it is included in honor not to call them by name, but with regard to one’s brother it may be that this is not included in honor; and we do not find people being careful about this with an older brother as they are with father and mother. Minhat Hinukh establishes an important principle: the Sages define what constitutes honor and what constitutes disrespect, and with respect to an older brother we do not find that calling him by name was considered a violation of his honor.

The same approach appears in the writings of the great Rabbi Hayyim Yosef David Azulai, the Hida, in Birkei Yosef (Yoreh De’ah 240, Shiyurei Berakhah 12). He writes that a person is not obligated in every form of honor toward his older brother to the same extent that he is obligated toward his father and mother. The Hida explains that the command of honor toward an older brother is not an exact copy of honoring a parent. It is a lower level and does not prohibit mentioning the brother’s name.

The Hida brings a wonderful proof from the sea of the Talmud. Ketubot 76b records that when Rami bar Yehezkel came, he said: “Do not listen to those rules that my brother Yehudah formulated...” The Hida asks: how was he permitted to call his brother “Yehudah” by name if Yehudah was his older brother? The answer is that one is not obligated to honor an older brother with every form of honor required toward a father, and calling him by name is not considered a violation of the obligation.

The Hida adds another proof in Kikar LaAden (p. 292) from Shevuot 28b, where Avimi said to his brother, “Eifa, you are mistaken.” Avimi calls his brother “Eifa” by name even though the brother was older than he was. We thus see that all the forms of parental honor do not apply to an older brother and that calling him by name is permitted.

From the words of our teachers explaining the nature of the bond between siblings, we descend to the halakhic and conceptual distinction between the duty of “honor” and the duty of “reverence,” a distinction that is the key to solving our question.

Minhat Solet (mitzvah 33) writes that since Maran rules in Shulhan Arukh that the prohibition against calling one’s father by name derives from reverence of one’s father and not from the mitzvah of honor, it follows that a person may call his older brother by his first name. Torah divided the matter into two separate mitzvot: “Honor your father” is a positive command expressed through service and deference, while “Every person shall revere his mother and father” is the mitzvah of reverence that includes the prohibition against mentioning the parent’s name.

Beit Meir (Yoreh De’ah 240:23) and Yam Shel Shlomo (Kiddushin, end of siman 18) likewise explain that the older brother was included by the verse only regarding “honor,” not regarding “reverence.” This means that although Torah obligates us to treat an older brother with distinction and honor, it did not impose the sacred distance and awe characteristic of the relationship with parents. Therefore, since the prohibition of calling by name arises specifically from reverence, it does not apply between siblings.

According to this reasoning, we can also understand the law regarding a grandfather. It would appear that one may likewise call one’s grandfather by his first name, because even according to the opinions that require a person to honor his grandfather, the duty is one of “honor.” We do not find a duty of “reverence” toward a grandfather. A first name represents a certain closeness and equality. With parents we are required, through reverence, to surrender that equality; with grandfather and older brother, however, there remains a sphere of family closeness in which use of the name can exist.

There are, however, authorities who expressed uncertainty, such as Ikkarei HaDat, who remained in doubt on this question. Yet, as we will see, most of our teachers tended toward leniency and distinguished the father from other relatives, based on the understanding that the root of reverence was planted specifically in the person’s direct source of life.

We now deepen the inquiry concerning the relationship between a grandchild and grandfather. Here we find a fascinating discussion that seeks to compare the grandfather’s status to the father’s, yet halakhah preserves a clear distinction.

There is room to consider stringency regarding a grandfather because several authorities explain the obligation to honor one’s grandfather through the principle “children’s children are like children.” According to this logic, if a grandson is regarded as the grandfather’s child, perhaps all the son’s obligations toward his father should apply as well, including the prohibition of calling him by name that derives from reverence. This approach would stretch the chain of generations into one continuous line of absolute respectful awe.

Nevertheless, Responsa Divrei Yatziv (Even HaEzer, siman 100) writes that it may be permitted to call one’s paternal grandfather by his name. He relies on opinions such as the Maharik, who hold that there is no complete obligation by strict law to honor a grandfather exactly as one honors a father. At the very least, even if we rule that there is a duty of honor, the duty of reverence—including the prohibition against mentioning the name—was not imposed upon a grandchild toward a grandfather.

We therefore discover a fundamental distinction. Father and mother are the direct source of life, and Torah imposed upon them the command “you shall revere,” which creates a sacred distance. Grandfather and older brother, despite their importance and the duty to honor them, do not enter that framework of reverence. Therefore, according to the strict law, there is no prohibition against calling them by first name. Calling a name is not understood as a failure of “honor”—service and benefit—but as a lack of “reverence”—awe and distance—and that category does not apply to them in the same way.

We now arrive at the table of the great decisor of the generation, Maran the Rishon LeZion Rabbi Ovadia Yosef, to receive the clear and illuminating ruling that joins strict law with sanctified derekh eretz.

Maran Rabbi Ovadia Yosef rules in Halikhot Olam (vol. 8, p. 143): Although it is forbidden to call one’s father or mother by their first names, and although one is also obligated to honor older siblings, nevertheless the prohibition against calling by name applies only to father and mother. Rabbi Ovadia Yosef explains that the halakhic distinction between “reverence” and “honor” is decisive here. Since the prohibition against mentioning a first name derives specifically from the duty of reverence—“Every person shall revere his mother and father”—and that duty was said only concerning parents, it does not apply to an older brother, toward whom there is only a duty of honor. He adds that our Sages themselves did not observe such a restriction toward older siblings throughout the generations.

At the same time, Maran Rabbi Ovadia Yosef does not stop at the strict line of law. He guides us to add a further level of elevation. If the older brother is a Torah scholar, it is proper and good to add the title “Rabbi” before his name, thereby expressing appreciation for his Torah and stature.

His son and successor, the Rishon LeZion Rabbi Yitzhak Yosef, expands this in Yalkut Yosef (Laws of Honoring Father and Mother, chapter 14, section 13): There is no obligation of reverence toward one’s older brother, and therefore one may call him by name, contradict his words, and sit in his fixed place. All the special parameters of reverence toward a father do not apply to a brother. Nevertheless, he emphasizes the beautiful Jewish custom to stand in honor of an older brother when he is called to the Torah until he completes his reading; this belongs to the broad category of “honor.”

Rabbi Yitzhak Yosef further writes that this conduct of honor should also be extended to one’s paternal uncle, maternal uncle, and stepfather, so that they receive the respect appropriate to family life in Israel. We therefore learn that according to the law the name may be spoken, but the heart and conduct should always aspire to honor and distinguish those whom Torah included in the duty of respect.

From the sources and rulings of our teachers we discover an entire world of conduct that distinguishes among the various circles of family. The practical differences arising from the basic distinction between “reverence” and “honor” shape our behavior within the home.

The first practical difference is the use of the name itself. Since an older brother or grandfather is not subject to the same law of reverence, strict law permits calling them by their first names. In relation to father and mother, mentioning the name is considered a reduction of their exalted status and authority. With brother and grandfather, by contrast, closeness is part of the relationship and does not contradict the obligation of honor. Nevertheless, the widespread Jewish practice, as noted by Rabbi Ovadia Yosef and Rabbi Yitzhak Yosef, is to add a title of respect such as “Rabbi” or “my older brother,” especially when the person is a Torah scholar, in order to preserve an atmosphere of family distinction.

A second practical difference concerns other forms of reverence, such as sitting in a parent’s fixed place or contradicting his words. Shulhan Arukh rules that a son may not sit in the place specifically reserved for his father or contradict him directly, and all this derives from reverence. With an older brother, however, Rabbi Yitzhak Yosef rules that one may sit in his place and disagree with him—obviously with proper manners and respect—because there is no equivalent obligation of reverence. The distinction emphasizes that the older brother is a companion in the journey of life, while the father is a foundational authority within the home.

A further practical difference appears when the older brother receives an aliyah to the Torah. Even though there is no prohibition against calling him by name, there is a positive duty of honor that can be expressed by standing. When an older brother goes up to the Torah, brothers have the custom to stand in his honor. This is a beautiful example of a mitzvah that is entirely “honor”—an external expression of appreciation and distinction without the sacred distance and awe required toward parents.

We therefore learn that Torah created a precise hierarchy. Father and mother stand in a sphere of complete reverence that restricts direct use of their names. The older brother and grandfather receive honor that allows closeness and use of the name but still demands refinement in conduct.

From the practical ruling we ascend to the spiritual structure of the Jewish home, which is not merely a collection of rules but a wondrous architecture of human relationships corresponding to a Divine order.

The distinction between “honor” and “reverence” reflects two ways in which we relate to our roots. “Honor” is service, giving, and benefit—the language of connection and kindness. “Reverence” is awe, sacred distance, and recognition of the exalted—the language of restraint, strength, and self-nullification. Toward father and mother, the direct partners of the Creator in bringing us into existence, Torah requires both poles. Reverence creates a distance that does not allow casual first-name address, because a first name often places people on a plane of equality, while a parent is the source of life and does not stand in relation to the child as one equal among equals.

The older brother and grandfather, by contrast, represent the expansion of holiness within the family. Toward them Torah requires “honor” but not the same “reverence.” The hierarchy here is not one of retreat and distance but of leadership and distinction. The older brother is in a sense a “crown” of the family, leading the younger siblings and therefore deserving honor; nevertheless, he remains within the circle of siblings, where a first name can be spoken with affection and closeness.

This structure creates a home of ordered harmony. It has a sacred center—father and mother—toward whom eyes are lifted with reverence and elevation. Around them extend the circles of siblings and relatives, where brotherhood is clothed in honor and good deeds. This balance prevents the family from becoming a cold military system of commands and distances, but also prevents it from becoming a boundaryless friendship in which respect for tradition and previous generations disappears.

From the halakhic rules of the home we touch the deepest strings of the soul, where it becomes clear that preserving family honor is in fact a way of building humility within the person himself.

The ability to distinguish between the way we address a sibling and the reverence we feel toward parents gives the soul a delicate instrument of precision. When a person refrains from calling his father by name, he exercises the spiritual muscle of reverence and self-nullification before the source of his life. This is humility that recognizes: someone preceded me, someone stands above me, and his name does not belong to my ordinary casual sphere. By contrast, calling an older brother by name while adding a title of respect or standing in his honor teaches us the secret of hiddur—the ability to honor someone close to us without losing belonging and affection.

The Jewish soul flourishes within this hierarchy. It finds security in knowing that there is order in the world, a hierarchy based on Torah and tradition. When we honor an older brother, we are in effect saying: “I recognize your place; I value your years and your experience.” This is humility chosen freely, out of a desire to create family harmony in which everyone finds the proper place.

The psychological insight is that honor is not a “tax” we pay to others but a gift we give ourselves. The more exact we become in honoring members of our family—guarding the way we refer to parents, cherishing an older brother, showing distinction to a grandfather—the more refined, attentive, and spiritually substantial we become. The home turns into a minor sanctuary, where speech and forms of address are not casual but saturated with fear of Heaven and derekh eretz.

From the clarification of the boundaries between reverence and honor we shape the moral compass that guides family life. This compass teaches us how to preserve the chain of generations with stability and harmony, combining elevated reverence with human brotherhood.

The moral message is that Torah asks us to build a level of spiritual authority within the home. The fact that parents’ names remain outside the sphere of ordinary address creates an anchor of stability. There is at least one center in life where the person is not sovereign but receives and submits. In a world of imagined equality, where the boundaries between parents and children can become blurred, this compass reminds us to preserve the “Holy of Holies” of reverence.

With regard to an older brother and grandfather, the moral compass points toward gratitude. Even though there is no duty of reverence prohibiting the first name, the duty of honor requires us not to take their presence for granted. Honor does not depend only upon fear or distance; it depends upon recognition of another person’s worth. When we choose to add an honorific to an older brother or stand in his honor, we express a morality of nobility—the ability to elevate those close to us voluntarily, recognizing that one who preceded us in years and experience deserves appreciation.

Moreover, this compass warns against extremes. Honor should not erase personality and closeness. The permission to call a brother by name teaches that Torah desires connection, conversation, and friendship within the family. Jewish morality is a delicate balance: neither paralyzing fear that destroys love nor cheap familiarity that destroys honor. It is the compass of “derekh eretz precedes Torah,” placing each person properly before his roots and his surroundings.

After traveling from the verses of Torah to the rulings of the poskim, we conclude with a refined understanding of the structure of the Jewish home. Torah set a clear and subtle boundary between the world of “reverence” and the world of “honor.” Parents stand within the level of reverence that prevents first-name address as an expression of self-nullification before the source of life, while the older brother and grandfather belong to the sphere of honor and distinction, which permits the closeness of the name while demanding refinement in conduct.

The Main Point:

We have seen that according to strict law it is permitted to call an older brother or grandfather by his first name, and this is not considered disrespect. The foundation is the distinction explained by the poskim—foremost among them Maran the Rishon LeZion Rabbi Ovadia Yosef and the Rishon LeZion Rabbi Yitzhak Yosef—between the mitzvah of reverence and the mitzvah of honor. The prohibition against mentioning a parent’s name, as Maran rules in Shulhan Arukh, derives specifically from “reverence,” stated in Parashat Kedoshim regarding father and mother: “Every person shall revere his mother and father.”

Since the older brother and grandfather were included only in the mitzvah of “honor” and not in “reverence,” the special laws of reverence that prohibit mentioning a name or sitting in the parent’s place do not apply to them. We learned from the Hida and Minhat Hinukh that even great Amoraim called their older brothers by name, demonstrating that it is permitted. Nevertheless, our teachers instructed that pious conduct and derekh eretz call for adding an honorific such as “Rabbi” to an older brother who is a Torah scholar and for showing him distinction, such as standing in his honor, in order to preserve the sanctity of family relationships and the beauty of conduct within the Jewish home.